In general, the yoga poses I’m “best” at (meaning, they come more easily to my body, knowing that every body is different here and that beyond healthy alignment and things there is no one “right” way to do any of them really) are the balancing ones – eagle, airplane, half moon, tree, etc. Tree especially makes me feel like a magical fairy moon goddess, not gonna lie. When I get to these in the middle of the long sequence we’re learning in training, it feels like a moment to recenter, remember my presence, come back home to myself again. Which really every pose should be, but well, you know.. it’s a continual journey.

And yet.. I’m continually reminded in these that I feel a little more wobbly on my right side than my left. Which happens of course – just like every body is different, every side to every body is a little different too. But today in practice I realized something about why this might be especially true for me.

When I was 19, I twisted my ankle and fell while dancing at a night club. Being me at 19, I got right up and kept dancing, and later walked half a mile to my car, drove home, went to bed, and was completely surprised to find my foot had swollen to twice its normal size by the next morning. Come to find out by a doctor who was shaking his head in wonder that I wasn’t howling in pain, I had a major break in the fifth metatarsal bone of my right foot – the part that connects to the pinky toe. I was in a cast all summer long – only the hottest summer in the history of the world until the one during which I was pregnant a decade later – and it eventually healed. But like the cartoon witch that I am, I still feel it sometimes when the weather changes.

And then I got a herniated disc in my spine (I think it’s my L5?) thanks to birthing and later carrying that kid of mine on my hip in all sorts of misaligned ways. And huh… that’s on my right side too. When I could no longer stand all the way up and the sciatica was too painful to ignore, I finally visited a chiropractor, who shook her head at me like that foot doc and said that my x-ray looked like the spine of an elderly person. I was in my early 30s at the time. Much therapy later, I’ve now reached the point where if I remain moderately physically active, it’s pretty much dormant anymore. It’s actually kind of like my body’s “tell” – if I feel it, I’ve been too sedentary lately – which actually I’ve come to view as a blessing of sorts. But yoga has been a powerful ally for me in this, and one of the many reasons I’ve been drawn to teaching – and hiking, and dancing and playing and basically living like a person much younger than I actually am. Maybe not in night clubs so much these days though.

But I was also in a minor car accident a few years ago – just a little fender bender that wasn’t even worth reporting at the time, but I’m pretty sure I had some whiplash from it that I never got checked out (by this point you may notice a pattern of medical avoidance and trauma-induced disembodiment – more things that yoga has helped me slowly learn to undo.) So for a while there, I had some pretty severe stiffness and pain on the side of my neck. Guess which side. Combined with my disc issue, it was like this direct line of weakness and glaring PROBLEM I’D LIKE TO IGNORE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH from basically my right ear all the way down to my pinky toe. Eventually though, with a lot of heat therapy and massage and more and more movement, it’s pretty much gone away.

And yet…. in my mind, deeply rooted in my subconscious and emotional body memory, it’s all still there. Physical ailments may heal, even scars can gradually fade, but we carry them with us. When I lean into my right foot, even in my beloved Tree pose, there is still some small voice inside me that whispers, “be careful, this is your bad side.” In these poses where we switch from one side to the other, we’re told to lead with our right first – so that means I’m leading from a place of perceived weakness and inability. Disempowerment. No wonder I wobble. And yes, every wobble is information, and a sign that your body is working. But it suddenly occurs to me what a big reminder this is that true healing is not simply physical – you gotta heal the sciatica within, too.

Working on it.